A Nemesis: someone or something which always causes you major problems; a rival who somehow can get the best of you. Batman and the Joker, Beowulf and Grindel, Thor and Loki, Harry Potter and Voldemort, Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny…… I never in my life dreamed I’d have a nemesis…..and then enter Second Marriage.

It’s just the reality that your spouse’s X (especially when accompanied by a brood of kidlets) often becomes our nemesis. Whether intentional or not, it just happens. Oh I know there are some superhero, zen-like individuals who make cupcakes together and plan adult playdates with their Current Spouse’s X, but, at least in my circles, it’s not as common. Gosh I wish it was—it would make things So.Much.Easier to not have someone dedicated to thwarting your every move……smirking on every stumble…and just awaiting the moment when they can proclaim, “I told you so” to the world.

When we were first married, I was idealistic and thought we’d share holidays perfectly, invite them on picnics and birthdays, and tell all the kidlets to be nice to each other because we are all on the same team….. I dreamed of sitting down over a glass of wine discussing Little Johnny’s homework issue, watch each others’ pets over vacations, and star in a CocaCola commercial about teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony. And then reality sets in…..and I realized I had a nemesis. Dang.

The subject has been the topic of many pool-time conversations with cocktails, girls night outs, and desperate text messages between friends. The mere existence of a Nemesis makes life harder….more complicated….and can throw us into defcon5 self-protection methods quicker than you can say Jack Robinson. (Who exactly is Jack Robinson, anyway……but I digress).

Looking back, though, I am grateful for that opportunity (okay stop laughing….no eye rolls from the peanut gallery). Well….maybe not totally grateful, but it was helpful to reveal to myself those areas where I still had pointy little edges. It stirred up my deepest insecurities about myself—things I kept buried deep in the depths of Moria where sunlight never reaches—-stirring up those fragile feelings until they bubbled to the top. With every bubble pop came the realization I still have so.much.work.to.do. It reinforced the principle of keeping my personal integrity in tact no matter what their response is. It’s hard to be an oak tree with your core principles of kindness, compassion, grace when darts are coming to you from all angles—and I am here to tell you–some of those darts hurt like hell.

So now—what’s the Nemesis extraction procedure? What do I do? How do you go from 15 years of having a nemesis and then you divorce their x (now your X)? Do they stay your nemesis or turn into something else? If it were a Hollywood movie, we’d then join forces to make the X’s life even more miserable…..teach him a lesson or two about life…..and then all leave better people with a post-credit scene of us eating shawarma together…

What do you do when you see their car at the A&P (or even at your X’s house)…..when you see them mentioned on social media? How are you supposed to feel? Do you unblock them from everything because now by definition they are no longer part of your orbit? What is the protocol for Nemesis extraction? Do they still hate me (probably)? Do I even care? Mentally, I know it should be something I shouldn’t waste one moment of thought space on….but it still lingers in FeelingsVille.

So for now, I’ll keep working on all the feelings that bubble up and give myself grace that I haven’t emotionally separated from all that just yet. I’ll try to be curious with myself instead of judging my feelings–asking questions about why I feel that way instead of pushing the feelings down or just ignoring them. Perhaps it will teach me something about myself and help me grow in new ways. Or maybe, apart from today being a hard day, I won’t even think of them again and just go about my life as if they don’t exist—because they really don’t–at least in my orbit.

Next: I Am Enough

Also Next: Being a Single Parent is Hard