A Binge Watcher, Shopaholic, and a Wino
I know…I know…it sounds like one of those jokes: A Binge Watcher, A Shopaholic, and a Wino walk into a bar….
Lately, I’ve found these coping mechanisms—or rather these distracting, mindless, the-opposite-of-intention facets of my life are bumping into my progress like bumper cars. It’s not that any of these are on the out-of-control sphere, but rather, they creep in from time to time when I don’t want to deal with something….when I’m tired….when I’m lonely…when I’m bored. Oh their numbers and names are many—a whole legion of them: work, mindless scrolling, stalking people on social, the contents of my pantry—oh yeah—the family is all here—keeping my mind “occupied,” but also keeping me satisfied with a temporary shot of dopamine—like a fake zen afternoon…..
Have you ever had a Saturday fly by and think What Happened to Saturday? I was in my chair at 9am and suddenly it’s 3pm and I’ve done nothing but watch Facebook/Youtube/Insta/TikTok videos. Am I the only one here?
Now I’m all for a day of rest—and there is zero judgement for being intentional about your 80s movie marathon….but when it creeps into the unintentional, just-distract-me field is where my own personal challenge appears.
Lately, I’ve been percolating on this notion of fasting. Not with food (let’s not get crazy, here), but with the things I’ve been using to satiate my mind….my soul. I gave up tv for a week thinking slam dunk and found myself reverting to 10-year-old Becky on summer vacation saying Mom, I’m soooo bored!!!
I used to not be a tv watcher. The television was more of a piece of furniture in my living room than a thing I did on the regular. But then life started getting complicated and hard and it was my tool for shuttling out the noise figuratively and literally. I’m not a huge shopper and online shopping isn’t my thing—but lately, those shoes on my insta feed….that thing I need from Amazon (does anyone else check out their cart multiple times in one day?)…the eyelashes I discovered on TikTok…have all beckoned to me like a lover….take me…pick me…I’ll make you happy/beautiful/full of joy. I’m not having to forgo groceries for a week to make up for the expense in my budget, which is my justification, but I have to ask myself: is the purchase really intentional, or am I wanting something….anything…to show I have agency over my life?
And the wine….I know….I know….I’m just messin here….. am I really wanting that glass of wine in all it’s wine glory….or am I bored? I look around and wonder what to do this afternoon, and then think: well, I’ll just pour a glass of wine because I got nothing else….. Wine is a social drink. It likes to invite its friends to come and play: Netflix, Amazon Wish List, Tagalongs, Chips, Insta Stories. Should I go out and get some fresh air? Should I do that project I’ve been putting off?? Well, let’s pour a glass of wine and see–like a Magic 8 Ball telling me what to do next……and three hours later, I’m in my PJs on a Saturday night thinking nah, I’m good with my friend Wine and his posse.
Here’s the deal: that week taught me I’m out of balance. The last several years have given me a Ph.D. in conflict avoidance, which has transferred into just pure avoidance. I have goals. I have things I want to do. I am a woman on a mission gosh-darn-it and these avoidance strategies are tripping me up.
They did their job. My super-honed distracting skillz kept me emotionally safe in the Chaos of pre-divorce. They kept me out of the looney bin because it was all So.Very.Much. I could drown out the noise, the feelings of inadequacy…of fear. They kept me from going to the place where I was afraid I’d lose myself in all the feelings….all the anger and disappointment….the unfairness…the realization I wasn’t enough of a prize for someone to fight for….not in the fakey Sound-of-Music -climb-every-mountain sentiment way, but in the dig-deep-and-fix-you-and-I’ll-fix-me way. The skillz kept me from running when I needed to stay. They were a respite…numbing the pain. I’m not saying there weren’t better ways to deal with these things, but they were what I had in the moment and they did their job.
But now, it’s time for them to go.
Why? I’m not saying watching a movie or the newest HBO series is a bad thing. Shopping and wine in themselves are not bad things (hallelujah). If I want something, I can be intentional—I can go out shopping for something cute (which I actually prefer to do anyway). I can put an idea on my Amazon Wish List and leave it for later and see if it’s really something I want/need, or if it’s an impulse buy. I can pour a beautiful Barolo with dinner or a glass of champagne out on my balcony because I love it and I’m worth it….but not because I’m bored.
What I am saying is these things are taking up space in my life where I want other things to be.
In January, I did my usual purge of all the things in my house….purging drawers, closets, pantries, boxes of mementos, clothes….all the things taking up space. It’s amazing how much lighter my life feels when I step into my closet and see space.
For February, I am focused on purging my time. I need to create space for something new…something good to happen. I need to learn the skill of not filling every empty (or lonely) space with a distraction….something mindless to make me forget I am here in the condo—by myself—on a Saturday night…. I need to lean into the loneliness and not just let time get away from me because I am distracted.
For me, I want….I need space to:
Read more books
Learn French
Go on Walks
Make Friends
Connect with God
Write
Create Art
Here’s the deal: I was naive in thinking this would be a Shaq-style slam dunk. I want it, I’m going to do it….BAM! These distractive squatters aren’t going without a fight. Okay so no tv, so let’s scroll insta reels…. or hey pretty girl you broke up with Netflix, so let’s look at the stud, Amazon….oh yeah—they totally tag team. When I remove one, the team jumps in and fills the gap with the replacement. Feeling lonely on a Saturday night—hey Work can be your Boyfriend tonight…. And Poshmark is his wing man. I go all La-La-La I’m no listening….you need to leave…. and TikTok picks up the mic and sings You’ve Lost that Lovin Feeling to me from the bar accompanied by Yes Way Rosé….
Changing your distractions is not for the faint of heart.
But I’m up for the challenge. I got this.
The Divorced Diva's Guide to Survival 