I was talking to a friend the other day whose Divorce just became final. It’s a strange feeling–having that final period at the end of that chapter. You spend all those months or even years wanting it to be over, and then when it’s final, the emotion is more akin to sadness than celebration. And then the question looms–now what?

The Season of Divorce is rife with He-Said-She-Said; Adversarial Comments, Accusations, Negotiations……served with a side of fear, shame, uncertainty, betrayal—you are fighting for you life–your future life–even in the most friendly of uncouplings. That person you see in pictures of Younger You used to snuggle on the couch with you like a pile of puppies–they smiled when they saw you walk into a room. They saw you and loved you–or was that a Dream? Was I duped? Why would they say Forever when they really meant until you reached a size 12 and your boobs sagged?? How long did they hate you inside–I mean they must have hated you really in order to betray you…..didn’t they?

For a while, you are treading water—just trying to keep the status quo of what was your life before. You have in your mind that Divorce is just two people splitting and then you go back to your old life—just without them. And you tell yourself that it’s fine because you basically lived your life without them really present for years….. All of your negotiations are pivoted on the pinpoint of keeping your life the same–Same is True North…. until you realize your life will never, ever be the same. Oh it can be good again, but you leave the process basically cut in half.

You lose some of your favorite things, the person who makes cocktails on Friday nights, you may lose friends, your house, your money, your standard of living, and some of your social circles. It’s different for your couple friends to hang out with you now because….well…..they are couples….and you’re a single…. and they don’t want you to feel bad…plus it’s an odd number for dinner. Your relationship with your kiddos at home is different–they are gone for part of the week (or if they are there all the time, you’re ticked at you X for not being a good parent)… To coin a phrase: It’s a new normal….and it may not match the picture you had in your head.

So the paper is signed, Judge Approved—you are FREE. Free from the contention, free from the negotiation….free from the ever mounting attorney fees—(just kidding–you are going to be saddled with those for a long time)…. You can go where you want and not have to check in…..you can buy what you want and not worry about the budgetary side-eye….you can have popcorn and wine for dinner and nobody complains.

Some people say to have a plan. Some people say to get right back out into the dating world. Some people say it’s time to get hopping on the self care–to get a makeover, lose some weight, and a new haircut. Some say to go key his car… You know what I say?? You’ve been married for a while–perhaps a loooong time…..and You-Just-Need-a-Minute. Give me a minute, people. I’ve been single for 3.5 seconds and married for 12….or 24…. 8….or 35…..YEARS. I need a minute!

Here’s the deal: it’s gonna take some time for your BODY to decompress from All The Divorce Things. You have been in high alert for a while now, and fighting for your future. In six months (or maybe a year), you will finally be able to breathe….to relax….to look around your house and think OK….this is really my life. This isn’t a place I’m just visiting. It’s all mine. Give yourself that time to decompress.

In a year, you are going to have a totally different perspective than you had in 6 months. And I promise you in 18 months, it’s going to be different again.

We want to shortcut the process—because honestly, it sucks. It’s lonely. Distractions are so much more fun. Healing is not—I am a terrible patient. I recently tore my calf muscle, and every week, I’m thinking I’m ready to go play tennis….and then I go out on a walk, and nope nope nope. Oh I *could* go back to tennis…..and you know what will happen? I’ll get 3/4 of the way through a game, and a ball will go wide and I can’t help myself–I sprint to get it….and then I tear it again–even just a tiny bit. And then I set myself back….again…. Healing is like that. You feel fine. You’re totally fine. Then one day, something pops up and Whomp! There It Is.

After my Divorce 1.0, I really did some work on me. I totally did. I read the books, made the lists, prayed the prayers. I became intentional (or so I thought) and even though I was definitely a better form of Becky, I didn’t take the time to really dig into that emotional muscle and it heal. I didn’t get my fears into the light—I shoved them down under the carpet and put a potted plant on top of them so they couldn’t get out.

So you know what happened–those fears snuck out (sneaky little suckers) and showed themselves in different ways. Ways I didn’t expect. My self-worth was still wrapped around proving my X was a total dufus for leaving me–he totally missed out. So I’m going to prove it by having the best next relationship there was–to show him it was him and not me. That with the right person to appreciate me, I was the model wife. And you know what – I was the best PR agency around with my next relationships—-no one could see or even imagine what was going on because I was Martha-Freakin-Stewart mixed with a sassy bit of Reese Witherspoon with THE most romantic and perfect boyfriend/husband alive. PR Baby—because I couldn’t face being a failure—again.

So…..to answer my initial question: What Happens Next?

Community – lean in to your community–create it if you have to. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. I know it’s scary. After 1.0, I had friends who didn’t really like vulnerable Becky–they wanted me to continue to pick myself up by the bootstraps and wash my face like I always did. And you know what–I made NEW friends. That was the one best thing I did after 1.0—create community. Some of those ladies are still my favorite people in the world.

Therapy. I know–I know. I was not a fan. I had a few really bad therapists, and I had no reason to even want to go to therapy. That was for people who didn’t have good self-awareness…for those who needed that pat on the back or someone to vent to. During the disentigration of 2.0, we started going to couples therapy. At first, I didn’t love it. At first, there were times I just wanted to get up and walk out the door. But you know what, she SAW me. She SAW the dynamic and cared about me. And she cared about my progress. The way I see it now, is a good therapist is like a good hairstylist–it’s an investment in YOU.

Time. Give yourself time. Then give yourself more time. Don’t be quick to start a new direction–I mean sometimes you have to have a quick change of address…..but don’t be too quick to just move on and start a new life (and a new relationship) right off the bat. Give yourself a minute to decompress. You are the designer and this is the rest of your life. Now, you may be like me and pick your paint colors and new floor tile in 5.3 seconds, but take some time to figure out what you want this new chapter to look like. What do you want your house to *Feel* like when you walk through that door. What are YOUR priorities–not your mom’s, or your friends, or even what your adult kiddos think you should do…..what do YOU want to do.

Try some new things. Don’t hang your hat on the outcomes, but become somewhat of a mad scientist with your life. Try a new thing or two. Just say Why Not. Volunteer for something. Visit somewhere new. Explore a new hobby. Make new traditions. Be brave–it’s just a trial, so do it.

Make your spaces beautiful—as beautiful as you want them to be. Perhaps that means making your bed–or bringing home flowers from the grocery. Buy a seasonal throw pillow. Drink tea out of your fine china. Pour that sparkling water into a wine glass. Light the pretty candles–you know the ones–the ones you never light because they are too pretty. Light ’em up! Play some easy jazz in the background while you clean. Plate your dinner beautifully instead of eating by the sink (or in the comfy chair by the tv). Invest in the experience of living–and by invest, I mean invest your *time* in making the effort–because, girl, you are worth the effort. Besides, it’s good to learn how to show up for yourself.

Practice Forgiveness. It’s a practice. It’s not a one-and-done. It’s a process. You may forgive your X for something (or your in-laws, or your own family….or even yourself), and find yourself once again in a situation where your feelings are hurt–you feel blind sighted–or betrayed. Your kiddos may say something about your X’s new car (or that he is dating Heidi Klum–or worse…her daughter) and you are still driving the old minivan from 2012…..because you can’t afford a new car. Practice forgiving yourself–how you missed things. How you looked like a hot mess crying in the international section of Publix. How you put up with so much just to make them happy, and then they became happy—without you. UGH. You may have been neglected, forgotten, abused, overlooked, criticized, belittled, gaslit, shamed, betrayed…. people may have said awful things about you during the divorce…..and it’s so hard to shut that tape off—it plays on replay in your head. Trust me–if you *have* forgiven them and *have* forgiven YOU, then when that tape starts that familiar tune….practice reminding yourself of the truth–that you have forgiven and stop listening to that tune. Perhaps even put on a new fo-realz playlist to drown out the one in your head. But just forgive. Don’t sweep it under the carpet and forget about it–that is not forgiveness….forgetting is not the same as forgiving.

Start Living Your New Life. Find those sparks of JOY. Create those sparks of joy. Don’t isolate yourself, but also don’t settle for the illusion of community doing shots at the bar among strangers. That’s just another way to hide. Pinpoint your distractions–what is keeping you from doing the things on your list? Is it the TV? Is it scrolling on your devices? Is it that third glass of rosé on a Saturday afternoon? There is nothing wrong with any of these things in and of themselves, BUT if they become a distraction, perhaps you should consider removing them from your life for 4 weeks, 6 weeks, whatever, just to see what else is out there. Anything which keeps you from LIVING your life might be a distraction–even a person–perhaps especially a person.

Know there are going to be times of loneliness. Man, I am still working out this one. Don’t see loneliness as evidence that no one wants you. Don’t let it isolate you more from your community–because when you are lonely, your feelings sit right on your sleeve and it’s easy to start looking for reasons or people to pin it on. It’s not a feeling easily remedied–you can be lonely in a crowd. You can be with friends having the best time, and walk back into your house and get overwhelmed with loneliness the minute you step through the threshold. It’s easy to think the cure for the loneliness is to have a person–any person–just to hold you for a minute to make those feelings dissipate. I know just today, I walked by a man in the hallway with this amazing smelling men’s cologne on. At that moment, I just wanted to hug him for a minute (and yes, he’d be calling the po-lice)–man, I miss the smell of men’s cologne right up next to me.

Divorce–it’s not for the faint of heart. We have visions of how much better our life will be once that person is out of our lives…. but the reality is…..well…maybe it’s better….maybe in some ways….and maybe not in others….. it’s a hard journey—much harder than you think when you set off into the thick of it…. It’s even harder when you weren’t the one who wrecked it–or at least not the one who intentionally sought to destroy it. BUT you got through it–you are on the other side. And now, you have the chance to create something beautiful for your next chapter. Lean in, do the hard work. I promise you, you’ll be glad you did.