Today, this post from March 2009 came into my Facebook Memory feed. Gosh reading this shows me that 2026 Becky is not that much different from 2009 Becky in my approach to things which scare the Bejeejee out of me…. What do I do??? I make plans–I get all brave….and then…..right when I need to hit GO–I freeze. 1….2….yeah NO…. okay 1….2….Freeze. Sometimes I push off the hill, and sometimes I find a convenient pretty butterfly and distract myself onto another project–one easier to accomplish and with less fear.

Wow – just when a girl thinks she’s learned a thing or two in the last 18 years…

It’s still true for me with dating (or writing that book, or even posting regularly on this blog). I get in my head and can’t do the steps to make it happen. Oh yeah – I can say I’m “waiting on God,” but AM I really?? Is he up there giving a giant facepalm to the Cherubs saying: She just won’t GO–slumping down on the heavenly couch in resignation with a giant God-sized sigh….. (Much like me watching Razorback football last season….but I digress)…

So what’s a girl to do? I don’t have that answer except maybe just keep swimming towards the goal, Nemo. Just keep swimming. Don’t take a Right Turn Clyde into the Lazy River and float around with a margarita…..be brave and do the things….

But then again, that kinda sounds good. Dating…writing…doing hard things…or a pretty yellow inner tube with a cocktail…. flip a coin, baby, because this thing can go either way….

Check out what 2009 Becky had to say about the subject:

Fear is a curious thing….it can paralyze…it can motivate….it can damage…it can even inspire. The last few years, my mantra has been “don’t act out of fear – don’t decide out of fear – be proactive – have faith.” Fear causes me to act in the most irrational ways…..

Case in point:

When I first moved to Indiana in 1992, my (then) hubbie took me skiing in Michigan. I had never seen that much snow In My Life…..I had never worn so many layers…giant gloves and goggles…and snow pants. I felt as if I were going to walk on the moon….the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man had nothing on me……

I took the obligatory ski lesson (of which I was grateful) and set out for the bunny hill armed with the knowledge that if I fell, I knew how to get up. My (then) hubbie was off skiing the expert slopes and had pretty much left me to my own devices. There I was standing at the foot of the bunny hill….walking awkwardly in skis….looking around……and trying desperately not to look like a big ski-dork.

Looking to my left, I saw the tow rope the skiers used to get to the top of the Bunny Hill. In my usual take charge fashion, I confidently trodded over to the moving rope and grabbed a hold—-SPLAT! There I was…face-first in the snow…skis entangled…body flattened…..rolling around in the snow next to the tow rope trying to get my Stay Puff Marshmallow Man-self up….Wow….that was embarrassing!!

I moved away from the rope and watched the other bunny hill novices miraculously grab onto the rope and be ushered to the top…..oooohhh….it can be done… They bent their knees and set back a little. A little more skeptical this time, I plodded back to the rope…this time armed with a little more knowledge. I bent my knees, grabbed onto the rope and was ushered to the top. Now this wasn’t too bad.

Wow! Wow! That hill didn’t Look.So.Tall from the bottom!!!!! I stood at the edge of the Bunny Hill precipice…..dang!! Breathe!!! It might as well have been Mt Everest to my novice skier little heart… Looking around desperately for another way down, I watch and hope for a miracle…..that I could just wiggle my nose and be transported down to the bottom….no such luck. I watch the little kids going down the hill-coming back up-going down-coming back up…..and think, “Becky, You CAN do this!!”

So there I stand….ready to go 1…2…..2 ½ …..2 ¾ …no……okay…okay…here we go….I stand on the edge ready….poles in hand….determined…..1…2…I can’t…. The people around me must have thought I had lost my mind. This is the *Bunny Hill* for goodness sake!!

An hour later….as I am still standing on the top of the bunny hill desperately hoping for that miracle…..up there all by myself. I finally muster the courage to push off the hill and PLOW my way down. Whew…that wasn’t so bad!! I survived!!!

At the bottom, my (then) hubbie grabbed my arm telling me now that I had an hour or so practice on the bunny hill, I was ready to tackle the intermediate slope (did I mention that he is now the X….). Dude!!! (Needless to say, 2026 Becky only does Apres Ski….)

Last night(2009), I did the same thing with karaoke. It’s a foreign concept to me and for some strange reason it scares me to death. I want to be perfect (or at least not suck) and it’s one of those things you actually have to practice and be willing to try and fail. (Trying and failing in public is soooo hard–2026 Becky)

So I stand there looking at the words on the Karaoke screen…trying with all my might to sing…but the words Just Won’t Come Out….

I just can’t commit….just can’t seem to Go For It… the risk of failure seems too great. Standing on stage, I try hard as heck to look “cute”….try not to get frustrated…. ….1…2….2 ½ …2 ¾ …. not going to happen……and I look for my escape…. and sit down once again without singing…embarrassed… The funny thing is—I WANTED to sing….desperately…but I just couldn’t.

The question looms……is this what I do when I am afraid?? Do I stand on the top of that hill and become paralyzed with inaction?? Do I second guess…analyze..compare and look for an escape? Am I missing out on the joy in life because I hold back…too scared to push off of the hill and start a journey…..sing a song……take a risk? (And 2026 Becky….to write…..to date….to start something new…)

Be Brave, Becky….be brave!!

So here I am in 2026 pondering these same things. I have no new answers, and a heck of a lot more fear 18 years later. The ante is upped–I’m 57 freaking years old and wondering what my next 18 years are going to look like—in 18 years, I’m gonna be 75….holy freakin cow. I’m in the home stretch and y’all….I gotta get off that Bunny Hill!!!!