Sex….it’s the elephant in the room when you are a single woman. You can talk about it ad nauseam in some circles and not at all in other circles. Many times our conversations about sex are transactional: they want it too much, they don’t want it enough, techniques, quality, quantity…but we rarely talk about the heart connection with sex–even with women. Why is that?

Sex is deeply emotional–it’s more than just a physical release–it’s a connection–a very intimate connection. You hear the other person breathing. You hold each other. You have power over each other–the sweat, the urgency…..and the other un-namable thing is there. Yes, sex *can* be transactional, but the majority of times, it’s a manifestation of a connection (even if a brief one).

I was talking to my therapist–I’ll call her Lilibet because she truly is The Queen. She keeps initiating these conversations about my new singleness–what’s the plan for sex? Where have I strugged in the past once sex came into the picture? How can I prepare myself for success moving forward with a plan?

Here’s the deal–I have discovered once sex comes into the picture, and I encounter a field of relational red flags in the distance, I’m like Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion gazing over them and exclaiming: What a beautiful field of poppies! I continue to progress towards said poppies unaware of the repercussions of my distraction. Yes, distraction. Sex tends to distract me. Perhaps it’s because my primary love language is physical touch. Perhaps because my heart is happiest in a relationship and sex feels like a relationship (even if it’s not)….

Once the physical comes into the picture, it’s easy to become a Couple way too soon.

The last time I was single, in theory, I waited the obligatory year before I was in a super serious relationship. More if you count our last separation and even more if you count the separations before that. But here’s the deal: deep in my heart, I desperately wanted a relationship. I wasn’t clingy and requiring He’s Not that Into You interventions….but it was front of mind. Now, I was picky and had my list honed down. I knew what I wanted—I knew what I needed to flourish. If someone didn’t have the qualities on my list, they stayed in the Friend Box. End of discussion. I was a woman with a plan–a good plan….but yet….the plan failed me.

Having an understanding of what you need is highly beneficial, but I placed too much trust in the list and wasn’t patient enough to see how things played out once someone passed muster. I need to say that again for my own edification: I wasn’t patient enough to see how things panned out once they passed muster. Dang. Revelation! I didn’t understand the selection process didn’t stop there–we should have been just getting started.

I needed to know the exit button was available for me once they had the initial clearance. I didn’t see it as the initial clearance, but rather the list was the final clearance. Oi vey! In my mind, once they were accepted, the interview was done. Honestly, I am embarrassed to say, that sex may or may not have entered the picture before I even knew if they would work out. (Sorry Mom!!)…. I am not here to speak to the morality of sex. I am saying as a grown woman trying to figure out this thing called dating after divorce, sex was a huge distraction for my heart. It muddied the waters.

In many ways, I was like the baby bird in the Dr. Seuss book asking everyone, “Are you my mother?” Instead, I was asking in my heart–are you my lover–will you love me? Even when I had single months, and swore I didn’t want a relationship, deep down, I knew I just wanted to find someone who “got” me. In truth, after 14 years of reflection (that’s a lot of reflection), I now realize the 39-40 year-old me wanted to prove to the world I was a good wife. I wanted to be able to show I was a great partner and my X was freakin out of his mind. Mostly it was to prove it to myself–that I had value….something to offer. I just needed the right person.

Looking back, the way I approached dating was a disaster. After 16 years of marriage, I only knew how to act as a married woman who just happened to be in a new relationship. So I came into the couple relating as if we already had 16 years under our belt instead of the reality that I had known them for just a hot minute.

Once sex came into the picture, I began acting like a married woman–overlooking and explaining waay too much instead of seeing behaviors as a sign of things to come. Even though my relationships may have been relatively new, I was focused more on how to make us work as opposed to asking myself if this person really for me? I felt responsible to make it work no matter what as opposed to putting on the brakes and having some time apart. To put on the brakes felt like initiating a divorce instead of what it was: considering whether or not we were a good fit for each other. Sex is like wearing sunglasses at night (cue Cory Hart). It shades all the nuances–the hints–that something may be amiss.

So Lilibet and I have been unpacking the places where having sex too early in a relationship created an attachment too soon. We’re unzipping the suitcases of past relationships, fears, and defensive paradigms I’ve created to keep this sparkly princess in pink, bedazzled Hunter Boots emotionally safe. It’s uncomfortable–it’s embarrassing sometimes to admit my patterns.

So I’m diggin up bones of relationships past to study how sex propelled me into relationships, how it kept me in relationships way too long, whether I lost my agency to say no because of fear of losing the relationship, or even using sex to show my value to another person–or even to myself.

Deep thoughts for a Thanksgiving Thursday I know.

Cheers, y’all!

Next: A Grown Up Gap Year and Just a Small Town Girl….Livin in a Lonely World….