It’s New Year’s Day as I sit here in my comfy leather chair overlooking the tall buildings in Buckhead.  I feel remarkably peaceful, today.  Memories of NYE dinner with a small group of friends linger and I feel grateful to have people in my life who are invested in me.  

The divorce papers have been signed and the Decree issued.  All that’s left is to pay off my attorney, which might take some time.  I guess that is part of the process—a reminder of the cost of change.  

I propelled myself through the process by an act of sheer will.  Never looking back….only moving forward.  When I got to the other side, I found myself simultaneously uncertain of what to do next and also feeling a bit of wonder that I made it….I’m here in my own place with my favorite things….  There’s no one to push against….no one to second guess my paint color or to be annoyed with when the trash is not taken out.  

A friend asked me recently, “how is single life?”  Truth is, I don’t feel single….but I don’t feel married either.  Single feels sexy and free….and I just feel….relief.  Some things are harder—like moving furniture or having a second set of hands when I am running late with dinner preparations for my party.  There’s no idle chit chat about sports or friends or plans for the garden—just silence.  But this time, I am ready for the silence.  I don’t have the urge to fill the silence with activity—to triple book myself 24/7 so I don’t have time to think.  That’s what I did last time.  

I don’t know if I am older and wiser, more in tune with my needs, or maybe I’m just freakin tired from all the words, all the energy put forth to avoid each other, and all the fear—so.much.fear of the future.  Well, here I am in the future—it’s here and there’s nothing to be afraid of.  

Lilibet (my Queen therapist) and I have been discussing a year of exploration of myself without distractions.  At first, it seemed like a box to check—wait a year before entering into any relationships—check….but the more I pondered it in my heart, the more the thought grew into something different.  

A Grown Up Gap year.  

The definition of a Gap Year is  a year of experiential learning to deepen one’s practical, professional, and personal awareness.  It’s a time to discover your role in the world, to focus on your mental health, and to pause and reflect.  

I like the rebranding of the waiting period in my mind.  It’s a journey of discovery—a time to reflect on where I want to go….who I want to be.  It’s not about just showing up for therapy waiting for the green light to jump back into the dating world.  To be honest, the dating part is actually not the priority, here.  Fixing my issues is not the point, here….asking myself what does the best version of Me look like—that’s the point.  

Who you become while waiting is as important as what you are waiting for—Nicky Gumbel 

I’m actually excited about this journey.  It’s about me.  Not fixing me….not engaging in some sort of performance paradigm where I get my gold stars and jump back into life.  This Grown Up Gap Year is a time to breathe and enjoy the good things of life with a spirit of curiosity towards my emotions, habits, and tendencies.  It’s less about labeling my reactions as bad or not ideal, and more about asking myself:  girl, what’s going on in your mind and body to make you feel that way?  What’s driving you to feel less than in that situation?  Curiosity and not judgement towards myself.  

So here we are on January 1^st—it’s a new year….a new journey….a Grown Up Gap year.  

Cheers and Happy New Year, y’all! 

Next: Let’s Do the Time Warp Again – an OG Diva Post and A Grown Up Gap Year