It’s getting within striking distance of a year since my divorce was final.  How can that be?  I blinked and 12 months went by.  I look at some of the lessons I’ve learned about myself, and I’m proud of what I accomplished—proud of my courage to examine those places inside me which rarely see light of day….places of my greatest fears and insecurities.  I’ve learned when I am brave enough to encounter those places instead of sinking them further down into the depths of my soul. They aren’t as scary as I think.  

I’ve learned loneliness won’t kill me (although some days, it may come close).  I’m realizing I don’t have to justify who I am to those around me—I don’t have to control that narrative to be safe.  I can be okay even when people don’t know the whole story—I know my story, my closest people know my story…God knows my story.  There’s no need to feel less-than because my life isn’t picture perfect.  

But all the lesson learning just gets tiring. Trying to find your self-worth apart from another human being is no small task.  Who am I if I don’t have a person to join up with? Bonnie without Clyde is just Bonnie…  Who am I if I don’t have a person to compare myself to–even if that comparison isn’t quite what I would call healthy?  

When you spend so long in an adversarial situation, it gets complicated for that other person to be gone—like really gone. We don’t have kids together, so apart from a few social situations, we don’t cross paths.  Who am I if I don’t measure me against someone else?  You get used to your whole day(s) being about what they did or didn’t do. Now, when the trash is sitting there getting all smelly, you get annoyed that someone didn’t take it out–and realize that someone is YOU. You are responsible for you–period–end of story. But I want an excuse—I want to have another person to blame–someone to distract me from looking at me.

Being an extrovert, not having a partner in crime is hard.  I set my mind to my Gap Year, and then added six more months to it. There is no partner in crime in sight–at least not till June (and then, we’ll see)… Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy for embarking on this solo journey because it can be hard.  Like really heard. Maybe having a person—even a temporary rebound person would be better.  It would certainly be more interesting.  

Last week, I had a convo with a girlfriend along those lines.  Her friend was in the Anyone is Better than No One camp.  I get it—I’ve been there.  Without someone in your life, you are emotionally walking through the desert alone feeling the hot sand covering your sandals.  No distracting chatter….no person to hold your hand. Just You Walking…. walking…. walking… with nothing but sand dunes in sight.  Yeah it’s awe-inspiring at first.  How beautiful is the scenery at the beginning of the journey?  There are so many possibilities of where I’m going to end.  I’ve packed my supplies, I am ready, I’m in for the journey.  I feel strong!!! This is going to be so freakin awesome!!!!!!

An hour later, I want to ride away with the next Bedouin who passes by on a camel into the sunset–to the oasis where there are cocktails and colorful tents and a fire.  That sure beats walking in the desert by yourself in silence doesn’t it?  It doesn’t matter that the Bedouin just got kicked out of his house by his current wife, is broke, and set on pillaging the nearby villages:  he’s very cute and charming and smells of Dior Sauvage. It’s okay. He’s only Mr Right-Now—here just to take me to the next stop so I can bypass all that silent walking.  At the Oasis, I’ll find Mr Perfect and Bedouin Bae will be a thing of the past….. 

What happens, though, when Mr Right-Now doesn’t leave? What happens if he puts your heart through the wringer? What if you are so distracted with being with Right-Now that you miss it? What if you end up going from Mr Right-Now to Next-Right-Now and Next-Right-Now and 10, 15, 20 years go by and here you are—still lonely and still pining away for the future while settling for the Right-Now.

I used to think Missing It was all about the possibility of missing Mr Right. You know, being all wrapped up in everything else that you miss your person…..or being such a mess from yet another breakup, that Mr Perfect doesn’t give you a second (or third) glance–you don’t get the rose and get to stay for another date….

These days, I wonder if the IT in Missing It is the lesson–not a person. What if I get distracted and miss the lesson(s) I need to learn? How can I go through this thing called life only feeling fulfilled when someone tells me I am amazing and beautiful–that I am worthy of love? What if—what if that role—the role of propping me up–is not meant to be filled solely by a romantic partner? What if I get my own kickstand and learn I am worthy even when someone isn’t there to tell it to me? What if the beauty I offer isn’t dependent on another person noticing it? What if this journey through the desert of flying solo is building confidence and resilience–even if it feels like defeat? It feels like defeat because I don’t have someone who wants to spend time with me and tell me all the things I need to hear–someone who can quiet the clanging questions lingering in my mind: what is my worth? Am I still beautiful? Will someone still want me?

When I was a girl, I remember hearing stories about the Children of Israel coming through the Red Sea after Moses convinced Pharaoh to Let My People Go!!   Holy Schmoley—they walked on a sea bed with the water rising up on both sides!!  How cool was that??  They needed food, and God sent them Manna from heaven.  Manna every.single.day. Food of the angels. But they tired of Manna—they wanted more (like a side of guac and some fajita meat).  The desert was boring and they were tired of wandering.  

Suddenly Egypt didn’t seem so bad in that rearview mirror, and they began to grumble and plot their return to Pharaoh.  They would whisper: we had meat in Egypt….we had a house and furniture…..was it really that bad there? Maybe Pharaoh would cut us a deal…. As a girl, I thought, seriously, y’all??  You were SLAVES in Egypt—you suffered—your life meant nothing as you were just a pawn for His Majesty’s ever-growing ego.  How can you even think about returning to that place?  Why would you even consider it much less conspire with your besties to make it happen?  

Looking at my frequent thoughts as a 50 something year-old divorced woman, I am kinda shocked at the revelation that I am doing the same thing.  Not that I want to go back to that exact situation with my X (as I’m sure the Children of Israel didn’t necessarily want to go back to Egypt as slaves), but it’s tempting to look back and ponder: at least I had someone to do stuff with.  At least I had someone to talk to.  At least I had someone when the time was exactly right, we could have a happy moment.  

Now I am not saying I’ll never have another relationship (although the thought of dating makes me want to vomit on your shoes right now), but I am saying I don’t want to have a person just to have a person.  I don’t want to go back to Egypt just because I’m tired of walking in the freaking desert.  Mr. Right-Now is not Manna from Heaven.  Why be distracted and waste precious time on a temporary thing?  Worse yet, what if that temporary thing sticks around and then I have to figure out how to get rid of him.  

It reminds me of Paradise by the Dashboard Lights by Meatloaf.  He’s all hot and heavy with Ms. Right-Now and suddenly she says:

Stop Right There!  I gotta know Right Now.  Before we go any further: Do you love me, will you love me forever, do you need me, will you never leave me, will you make me so happy for the rest of my life, will you take me away, will you make me your wife?

He’s not committed—he wants to sleep on it (baby baby).  He sees the oasis….the mirage…. He can see Paradise in those dashboard lights.  He gets distracted….he isn’t strong enough in his boundaries to just say no (which is why I added 6 more months onto my Gap year—boundaries are speaking Chinese to me).  He doesn’t want to lose the connection….the person….the sex.  

So do you remember what he says?  

I couldn’t take it any longer, Lord I was crazed, and when the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave.  I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave that I would love you to the end of time.  

And here’s what happens (and raise your hand if you’ve done this): 

So now I’m praying for the end of time to hurry up and arrive, cause if I gotta spend another minute with you, I don’t think that I can really survive.  I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow.  I’m praying for the end of time.  It’s all that I can do. Praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you.  

Y’all.  This stuff is real.  

 Don’t let the mirage from those Dashboard lights fool you—Mr Right Now is going to distract you from the things you need to do to grow so you can either (1) have the kind of relationship you deserve or (2) be okay with being single.  I know the second part is scary.  That’s what leads us to the wrong relationships—that fear of being alone for the rest of your life.  I’m here to tell you, though, that being lonely inside a relationship is the worst kind of lonely.  You’ve lived that before, don’t fall for it again.  Try something new.  Buy yourself those flowers, write your own damn name in the sand. Get to know yourself.  Be brave, dear one.  Don’t go back to Egypt….keep walking until you reach the real promised land—you’ll be ready when you find it if you do the work now.  

Next: Broken Crayons Can Still Color